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jokes.txt
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jokes.txt
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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Sleeping with an open window tonight! 1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this. One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: "My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!" Psychiatrist: "Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part."
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.
I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…” “Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!”
In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"
Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye. Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.
The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.
A police officer stops a car. Officer: “Your driver’s license please.” Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.” Officer: “At home?” Driver: “No, to do it.”
I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of the vodka bottle.
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager!“ Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”
I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.
Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common? A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
Little Johnny asks his father: "Where does the wind come from?" "I don't know." "Why do dogs bark?" "I don't know." "Why is the earth round?" "I don't know." "Does it disturb you that I ask so much?" "No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."
They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But come on – the prices are way too high, plus I haven’t had a barbecue in months.